Couples Therapy or Marriage Counselling in Vienna and Online
Improving Marital Communication and Problem Solving
Managing Cultural and Other Individual Differences
Coping With Jealousy
Dealing With Infidelity
Addressing Other Causes of Marital Distress in Couples Therapy
Understanding Common Marital Challenges, Causes of Marital Distress and the Role of Couples Therapy
By Diana Tutschek, Couples Counsellor & Therapist
The Importance of Resolving Marital Conflicts
The marriage-health link can manifest in both beneficial and detrimental ways. Evidence extensively supports the positive physical and psychological health benefits of marriage. However, it is crucial to understand how distressed marriages can lead to a decline in both physical and mental well-being. A large body of research reveals that besides deteriorating physical health, higher levels of marital conflict have caused a notable increase in symptoms of anxiety, depression, substance use disorder and other psychiatric conditions. Adequately addressing and resolving marital conflicts on time may prevent or markedly minimise the damaging effects of marital discord on mental and physical health.
Common Marriage Problems and Themes of Marital Conflict
Individuals or couples seek counselling or marriage therapy (whether online or in-person at the therapist’s facility) to address different topics. Marriage partners may seek couples therapy because of increased severity or frequency of quarrels, a specific issue or set of issues they are unable to resolve or a lack of intimacy. A couple may present with a “depressed” marriage that involves a persistent feeling of sadness, hopelessness, and dissatisfaction with the relationship. Or they may simply present with unclear and non-specific frustration about their relationship.
Moreover, it is also common for the partners to feel ‘trapped’ in their relationship. They seek marriage counselling and couples therapy as an ultimate attempt at resolution before initiating divorce or separation.
The decision to engage in marriage therapy is frequently prompted by issues such as an extradyadic affair or pathological jealousy. Furthermore, major life transitions as well as cultural or other individual differences, often play a significant role in motivating couples to seek couples therapy or marriage counselling.
Seeking Individual Therapy Amid Marital Discord
In addition, marital conflict can cause each partner to seek individual therapy. In these situations, one partner may have rejected the idea of attending therapy together. It is possible that one partner does not attribute their current difficulties solely to marital issues.
Thus, marital problems may often be the rationale for an individual to seek individual treatment for a mental health condition, such as depression, various types of anxiety disorders, substance use disorder, etc., or to pursue medical help for physical symptoms.
Any mental health condition in one or both partners should be addressed individually either in parallel with or before engaging in couples treatment together.
Couples Therapy: My Approach to Treating Marital Distress
As a licensed integrative marriage counsellor experienced in providing couples counselling or therapy in Vienna, Dubai and online, I utilise a variety of approaches for treating marital distress. Yet, I am considerably influenced by cognitive-behavioural, family systems and emotionally-focused approaches to managing marriage difficulties. Throughout marriage therapy, I frequently incorporate strategies derived from these schools. However, in some instances, I may find it more useful not to apply any of the approaches.
My counselling aims to enhance communication and problem-solving skills, improve intimacy, reform dysfunctional thinking patterns and find ways to avoid unhelpful conflict escalation. Furthermore, in couples therapy, we strive to strengthen the emotional connection between partners and form new interactions that foster attachment security. Alternatively, we may address marital conflicts by exploring whether partners would benefit from taking separate paths.
Causes of Marital Distress: a Cognitive–Behavioural Perspective
Reciprocated Negative Behaviour
Distressed partners usually have limited, if any, pleasant and rewarding interactions but many blaming, demanding, gruelling or angry ones. Reciprocated negative behaviour is often a focal characteristic of interactions between troubled couples. If one partner behaves negatively, the other partner is unlikely to be kind and thus starts a sequence of intensifying negative behaviours. Such a sequence of negative interactions in a couple having marital difficulties might begin with one partner expecting to be criticised for something. The components of the initial argument are a negative expectation of one partner from the other and reciprocated destructive exchanges (escalating criticism).
In addition, distressed partners are reactive: positive or negative situations potently influence how the partners feel about or assess their bond at any given time. Non-distressed partners are less influenced by moment-to-moment changes.
In the instance above, a spouse in a non-distressed relationship would probably not have expected any criticism. Thus, the hostile and aggressive interaction might not have happened at all. Rather, an inquiry would probably have been responded to directly and in a non-aggressive manner, preventing a reciprocal negative reaction. Intense reactivity in a distressed marriage may boost the likelihood of confusion and poor communication.
Since the partners are so used to feeling criticised, they may cease attending sensibly to one another. Instead, they plan a counter-attack to the primary (expected or perceived) criticism.
Lacking Conflict-Resolution Skills
Furthermore, a prominent characteristic of a distressed relationship is a lack of ability to resolve conflict. This deficiency in conflict-resolution and problem-solving skills leaves couples with a surplus of unresolved problems and fights accumulated over their relationship. Besides that, an account of such unmanaged conflicts may also contribute to adverse expectations about future encounters. It makes constructive conflict-solving even less likely present in their relationship.
Reinforcement erosion
Reinforcement erosion occurs when partners fail to have the satisfaction that was once existing in the relationship. It might be credited to habituation: pleasurable at-one-time interactions became not significant any longer. Spouses may be unable to appreciate each other’s attempts and start taking each other for granted. Additionally, they may have new needs that their spouses have not yet managed to meet. One or both partners may have ceased doing some pleasurable things that previously helped maintain many warm emotions between them.
Destructive Patterns in Marriage
In addition, all of the mentioned factors may contribute to destructive patterns of disputes, criticism, neglect and negative beliefs and expectations regarding the other partner and the relationship.
The Fundamental Nature of Couples Distress: an Emotionally-Focused Perspective
A Lack of a Reliable Emotional Bond
Similarly to cognitive-behavioural and family systems perspectives, the emotionally focused approach presents the essential issue of couples’ misery as recurring and escalating hostile cycles that perpetuate disconnection.
The approach emphasises the detrimental impact of negative emotional states and patterns of hostile interaction. These include criticism, defensiveness and distancing, and how they mutually reinforce and perpetuate each other.
From the emotionally focused perspective, responsiveness and emotional accessibility are the essential elements that determine the quality of a couple’s relationship and the safety of a bond. The approach highlights that the need for a reliable emotional bond with a significant other is an inherent motivating force in humans.
Can couples counselling or therapy help in resolving marital problems?
If a couple decides to work on improving their relationship, therapy aims to address all causes of marital distress.
During the course, we address reinforcement erosion and work on minimising reciprocated negative behaviour. Furthermore, we work on developing conflict-resolution and problem-solving skills to approach and resolve marriage issues on time and more effectively. Destructive patterns of disputes, criticism, neglect and negative beliefs are also targeted in therapy to promote healthier interactions. Additionally, we work on enhancing emotional accessibility and responsiveness to strengthen the couple’s bond and intimacy.
Couples counselling or therapy, whether conducted online or in-person (in Vienna, Dubai or online by me or elsewhere by a qualified marriage therapist), has the potential to transform a distressed life into a healthier and more fulfilling one.
However, the outcome depends on the direction the partners choose. If they agree to move forward together, this transformation is achieved through de-escalation, nurturing secure interactions, and reinforcing new ways of interacting. Importantly, meaningful therapy requires time and commitment.