Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy: Dealing with Jealousy
What is Jealousy?
Marriage counselling and couples therapy often address jealousy–an emotional, behavioural, cognitive and interpersonal phenomenon.
Jealousy is an affective state caused by a threat to a valued relationship or its actual loss. It usually emerges due to the threat of a real or imaginary rival. Subsequently, jealousy elicits cognitive, behavioural and physical reactions to defend against relationship threats.
Furthermore, as an intricate social feeling or a blend of emotions, jealousy contains, in differing ratios, uncertainty, mistrust, contempt, anger and fury, anguish, feelings of being offended and humiliated, fear of refusal and related hurt. In addition, jealousy often leads to chronic marital conflict, despair, depression, anxiety, fury, violence, intimidation and even death.
Couples counselling and therapy for jealousy (in-person or online via internet-based platforms) aim to help individuals recognise and manage their jealousy response.
Theoretical Approaches to the Phenomena of Jealousy
Several approaches have been advanced to explain jealousy. For example, a bio-psychological approach links jealousy to the effects of the neurotransmitter serotonin, deficient self–esteem and increased dependency. The psychodynamic view provides a fascinating concept of jealousy founded on notions of ambivalent/insecure attachment, projection, paranoid imagination and disturbed object relation. Evolutionary theory claims that jealousy is a behavioural response developed to protect a relationship.
Indeed, jealousy serves as a vital adaptive function for people—vigilance over and safeguarding our valuable relationships. However, pathological jealousy can be problematic. This type of jealousy refers to an obsession with the partner’s potential unfaithfulness. Pathologically jealous individuals may be disproportionately preoccupied with the probable unfaithfulness of their partner or have intrusive ideas about their partner’s previous relationships. Likewise, a continuing romantic curiosity about an ex-partner may indicate pathological jealousy.
Below, I present an example of the cognitive behavioural approach with the possible integration of EMDR as one of the methods I may use in couples therapy for jealousy. Yet, depending on the case, our therapy might involve an alternative approach (e.g. person-centred) or none at all. Ultimately, therapy for jealousy aims to resolve marital conflict, promote healthier communication and achieve a more fulfilling relationship.
A cognitive-behavioural approach to managing (pathological) jealousy
Finally, a cognitive-behavioural model of jealousy (Leahy & Tirch, 2008) posits that jealousy is a type of worry, characterised as restless, infuriated worry. The model features the following essential concepts:
Cognitive Distortions and Hyperawareness of Threats
The pathologically jealous individual is likely to misinterpret neutral or unclear realities as a jeopardy to the relationship and to engage in dysfunctional consideration based on thinking errors, or cognitive distortions, such as overgeneralisation, mind-reading, fortune-telling and personalisation.
Maladaptive Emotional Schemas
Similar to other considerations that are based on the belief “It is dangerous because I am afraid of it,” the jealous individual utilises their emotional preoccupation as an alert that the danger is real. Moreover, one of the most potent and rigid emotional schemas is based on the premise that uncertainty about one’s spouse or partner is intolerable.
Dysfunctional Core Beliefs
Maladaptive negative core beliefs about the self and others are often associated with jealousy. The belief that one is not good enough, “less than” or unlovable sets the basis for negative core beliefs about the self. Similarly, maladaptive core beliefs about others are established on the assumption that others are dishonest, untrustworthy or manipulative.
Metacognition
Similar to worriers, jealous individuals believe their jealousy will aid them in bypassing ”surprises” and equip them for the worst-case scenario.
Intolerance of Uncertainty
The jealous person cannot tolerate any uncertainty about their partner’s “true” interests. Consequently, jealous individuals endeavour to stop this uncertainty by seeking reassurance or challenging their partner.
Dysfunctional Interpersonal Coping
The jealous partner intensely believes they must gain control over the “true situation.” As a result, they employ dysfunctional interpersonal coping strategies that lead to more insecurity and perpetuate their worry. Among those dysfunctional strategies are manipulating a partner, threatening to leave, spying, controlling, degrading rivals and engaging in adultery.
Online Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling in Dubai: Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques for Addressing Pathological Jealousy
In couples therapy for jealousy, I employ the following fundamental cognitive–behavioural techniques:
- Learning Mindful Awareness
- Practising Acceptance
- Tolerance of Uncertainty Training
- Exploring Schemas, Core Beliefs and Cognitive Biases
- De-catastrophising Potential Loss
EMDR Therapy for Jealousy
The initial purpose of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy was the treatment of various types of psychological trauma. However, EMDR can also be beneficial for addressing jealousy. Its unique approach combines eye movements or other bilateral stimulation with therapeutic techniques to process and heal the underlying causes of jealousy. Unresolved conflicts and insecurities can fuel jealousy. EMDR therapy dives deep into these issues, facilitating healing and resolution. Processing negative memories and integrating positive beliefs paves the way for emotional well-being and secure relationships. EMDR therapy can be a life-changing path towards healing from jealousy and creating healthier, more satisfying relationships
Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy for Jealousy in Dubai: Conclusion
Jealousy is a natural disposition. Nevertheless, it is possible to manage it rather than act on it. Marriage counselling and couples therapy for jealousy (in-person at the clinic or face-to-face via internet-based online communication platforms) aim at acknowledging, accepting and adaptively coping with the jealousy response. My approach to managing jealousy incorporates acceptance, metacognitive, mindfulness, trauma-based and other strategies allowing pathologically jealous people to reconsider maladaptive coping. The therapy may include addressing and processing earlier traumas, identifying and challenging maladaptive negative core beliefs about self and others and tolerating uncertainty, which is an inevitable element of any relationship.
Is jealousy always pathological?
In either gender, insecurity and low self-esteem often underlie feelings of jealousy. Yet, jealousy is not always pathological or abnormal, and it can be a natural response when a partner’s ambivalence or lack of commitment creates feelings of insecurity. In such cases, it is not the jealous person who needs to be focused on. Rather, the relationship itself requires attention, treatment or, possibly, dissolution.