Marriage Counselling - online couples therapy

Marriage counselling: a couple explores problematic communication and problem-solving skills.

How to Save Your Marriage: Tips from a Couples Therapist for Addressing Troubled Communication in a Relationship

Marriage counselling or couples therapy, either in-person or online, often addresses the issues of poor communication and problem-solving skills that a couple may present. In fact, deficient relationship skills are frequently linked to other common complaints, such as lacking empathy, insufficient attention to each other, conflict escalation, inability to use a problem-solving approach to resolve issues and a lack of genuine intimacy.

Building essential relationship skills may significantly enhance the overall quality and satisfaction of the partnership.

Marriage Counselling: What is Unhealthy Communication in Couples?

Unhealthy communication in marriage refers to behaviours and interaction styles that result in misunderstandings, conflicts and emotional disconnection between partners. These negative communication patterns may lead to the eventual breakdown or dissolution of the marriage.

Destructive Communication Patterns in a Relationship

Criticism: Constantly finding faults, attacking the character, or belittling the partner rather than addressing specific issues or behaviours. Criticism can create a defensive atmosphere and erode self-esteem.
Defensiveness: Reacting with defensiveness, denial, or counter-attacks when faced with criticism or feedback from the partner. This pattern can escalate conflicts and prevent open and honest communication.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing or shutting down emotionally during communication, often as a way to avoid conflict or intense emotions. Stonewalling prevents problem-solving and can leave the other partner feeling ignored and invalidated.
Contempt: Engaging in disrespectful behaviour such as mocking, name-calling, or displaying a superior attitude towards the partner. Contempt creates hostility and undermines the emotional connection between partners.
Invalidating: Dismissing or minimizing the partner’s feelings, experiences, or opinions. Invalidating communication patterns can make the partner feel unheard, unimportant, and invalidated.
Blame and Deflection: Constantly blaming the partner for issues and refusing to take responsibility for one’s own actions. This pattern prevents accountability and problem-solving, leading to a cycle of unresolved conflicts.

Other Patterns of Maladaptive Communication in Couples

Emotional Explosions: Reacting to disagreements or conflicts with intense emotional outbursts, shouting, or displays of anger. This pattern can be intimidating, create fear, and hinder productive communication.
Passive-Aggressiveness: Indirectly expressing hostility or discontent through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle acts of sabotage. Passive-aggressive behaviour undermines trust and creates a toxic atmosphere in the relationship.
Mind Reading: Assuming or interpreting the partner’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions without seeking clarification or open communication. Mind reading can lead to misunderstandings and inaccurate assumptions.
Avoidance: Ignoring or avoiding important topics or issues that need to be addressed, leading to a lack of resolution and growing resentment.

It is worth noting that unhealthy communication patterns can develop over time and often stem from unmet needs, unresolved conflicts or ineffective coping mechanisms.

Recognising these patterns and working towards healthier communication is crucial for a supportive and harmonious marital relationship. Couples may seek professional help, such as marriage counselling or couples therapy to help them learn effective communication skills and constructively address the unhealthy patterns.

Marriage Counselling: Fostering Healthy Communication in a Couple’s Relationship

Besides recognising and tackling the above-mentioned unhealthy communication patterns in marriage, a couple has to possess certain relationship and communication skills to foster a supportive and harmonious marital relationship. Healthy communication in marriage relies heavily on expressive and receptive communication skills that each partner possesses. Expressive communication allows individuals to effectively articulate their thoughts and feelings, using “I” statements to express their own experiences and emotions. This approach encourages openness, honesty, and personal responsibility in communication.

Receptive communication, on the other hand, involves actively listening and understanding the messages being conveyed by the partner. It includes non-verbal cues such as eye contact and nodding, as well as paraphrasing and empathising with the partner’s perspective. By actively engaging in receptive communication, individuals demonstrate respect, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand their partner’s thoughts and emotions.

Marriage Counselling: How to Improve Expressive and Receptive Communication Skills?

Expressive Communication Skills

Expressive communication is crucial for sharing our feelings and thoughts effectively. One way to enhance expressive communication is by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, saying “I feel abandoned and worried when you come home late without messaging or calling” allows for open dialogue, compared to a more demanding approach like “Why are you always so late?” or hurtful remarks like “What’s wrong with you?”

“I” statements encourage an assertive communication style instead of being aggressive or critical.

Receptive Communication Skills

Receptive communication is our ability to understand and comprehend information conveyed through various means. It encompasses skills such as

non-verbal attending (such as head-nodding and eye contact),
paraphrasing,
empathising

Expressive and receptive communication skills serve as the foundation for successful communication and problem-solving in relationships. It is essential to engage in constructive and positive assertions rather than resorting to complaints and accusations to ensure effective and clear communication.

Problem-solving is another functional approach that plays a crucial role in establishing and maintaining a constructive dialogue within a couple’s relationship. It allows for collaborative problem-solving and fosters mutual understanding and resolution.

Marriage Counselling: How to Improve Problem-Solving Skills?

Problem solving is a significant element of most cognitive-behavioural treatments, especially when working with distressed relationships.

Problem solving comprises two distinct stages: problem identification and problem resolution. This two-stage process helps couples avoid suggesting changes before identifying the problem.

The problem-solving approach underlines the importance of identifying a problem before attempting to resolve it. The reason for having these two processes discrete is that partners can waste a lot of energy and time trying to solve something they have not agreed on as the issue they wish to address.

Problem-solving comprises two distinct stages: problem identification and problem resolution. This two-stage process helps couples avoid suggesting changes before accurately identifying the problem at hand.

Separating these two processes ensures that partners do not waste energy and time trying to solve something they have not agreed on as the problem they wish to solve.

Phase 1: Identifying a Problem

Hewison, Clulow, and Drake (2015) suggest four helpful guidelines for identifying a problem:

Start with something positive.

When expressing a problem, begin with a positive aspect. For example, “I really miss you when you’re away” is more constructive than “You’re never around.” Starting with a positive statement conveys appreciation for the partner while addressing the complaint, helping to avoid polarising positive and negative feelings in the relationship.

2. Be precise and avoid insulting language.

Vague statements do not allow partners to understand the issue being addressed. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me,” it is more helpful to say something like, “I know you’re preoccupied with work at the moment, but when you don’t talk to me over the meal table, I feel like I don’t matter to you. We used to have such good talks.” Precision in communication fosters understanding and avoids misunderstandings.

3. Avoid derogatory labels.

It is necessary to maintain a cooperative stance. Insulting diagnoses like “You’re so delirious about this” or derogatory statements like “You are silly and lazy” can only provoke conflict and hinder productive problem-solving. Labels tend to trigger defensive reactions. It makes problems more entrenched rather than resolved.

4. Focus on personal experiences and avoid invoking unchallengeable authorities.

Statements like “My mother warned me that you were untrustworthy” only escalate tensions and inhibit functional communication. Sharing personal experiences and perspectives may facilitate a more constructive dialogue.

5. Express feelings.

When identifying a problem, it is important to express your feelings and emotions related to the issue. For example, “I feel abandoned and also worried when you come home late without messaging or calling” acknowledges the emotional impact of the behaviour on you. Problems in relationships are often fuelled by underlying feelings. Acknowledging and expressing those feelings is crucial for effective problem-solving.

6. Be succinct when identifying the problem.

It is helpful to be concise and specific when stating the issue. For instance, “I feel abandoned and also worried when you come home late without messaging or calling as it has been happening for the past several months” provides a clear description of the problem. It is important to focus on one specific issue at a time, as larger problems may need to be broken down into smaller, more manageable components.

7. Express the consequences of the problem for you.

When discussing the issue, communicate the impact it has on you. For example, “I feel upset and can hardly focus on anything else” highlights the consequences of the behaviour on your emotional well-being. Expressing the personal repercussions of the problem may help the partner understand the significance of the issue and encourage empathy and understanding.

Marriage Counselling: Summing Up the Problem-Identification Phase

The goal of the problem-identification phase is for partners to reach a mutual agreement on the specific problem they want to address. A well-defined problem statement includes

a positive statement,
an explanation of the undesired behaviour,
a description of the situations in which the problem occurs
and the repercussions it has on the partner experiencing the distress.

I love spending time together. When you’re away, I genuinely miss you. I understand that work is currently demanding your attention. But it leaves me feeling abandoned and worried when you come home late without messaging or calling, especially considering this has been happening for the past several months. Sometimes, it makes me question my importance to you, and I find it difficult to focus on anything else. These feelings of upset and distraction weigh heavily on me.

By clearly articulating the problem, its causes, and its impact, couples can engage in a productive and focused discussion to find resolutions.

Phase 2: Problem Solving

After defining the problem, the partners brainstorm as many solutions as possible. As a couples counsellor and marriage therapist, I recommend following several guidelines in the problem-solving phase:

focus on solutions

1. Both partners take responsibility for their role in creating the problem, even though it can be challenging. Acknowledging responsibility depends on the ability to agree on the problem’s definition and the capacity to tolerate associated emotions. It’s necessary to avoid deflecting blame and instead focus on mutual understanding and growth within the relationship.

2. The partners address one issue at a time to maintain focus and avoid overwhelming the discussion with multiple concerns.

3. Paraphrasing plays a crucial role in promoting effective communication. While it may feel artificial at times, the purpose is to slow the discussion, enhance listening and minimise misunderstandings or hidden assumptions. By paraphrasing, partners can ensure that they understand each other’s perspectives accurately.

4. Interpretations should be avoided, and the discussion should focus on observed facts rather than assumptions or subjective interpretations.

5. It is essential to maintain an impartial and solution-focused mindset rather than dwelling on negativity. The goal should be to find constructive resolutions rather than dwelling on past grievances.

find a compromise

6. Partners should aim for compromise when considering solutions that involve behavioural changes. It’s important to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each solution and find a middle ground that satisfies both partners.

7. Ultimately, the couple needs to reach an agreement on the behavioural changes that will help to address the problem.

The problem-solving process requires both partners to adhere to these guidelines. If a couple struggles to do so, it may indicate the need for acceptance or additional work in marriage counselling or couples therapy before embarking on the problem-solving effort.

Can marriage counselling and couples therapy fix all relationship issues?

While improved communication and problem-solving skills are essential, addressing the underlying lack of genuine connection in a relationship is equally important. This lack of genuine connection can manifest in different ways, such as one partner leaning out or expressing that the feelings are gone. Various factors can hinder a genuine intimate connection in a relationship. If necessary, we delve into and resolve these issues during other stages of our marriage counselling or couple’s therapy.

Marriage Counselling: Communication Problems in Marriage. Conclusion

Identifying and addressing unhealthy communication patterns in marriage is crucial for maintaining a harmonious relationship. Recognising criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, invalidating, blame and deflection, emotional explosions, passive-aggressiveness, mind reading and avoidance is the first step towards fostering healthy communication. Additionally, developing functional expressive and receptive communication skills is essential. Expressive communication allows for the open sharing of thoughts and feelings using “I” statements, while receptive communication involves active listening and understanding. Additionally, problem identification, solution brainstorming and compromise are key to resolving conflicts.

While communication and problem-solving skills are vital, addressing underlying deficiencies in genuine connection is equally critical. Couples therapy (either online or in-person) that tackles that relationship aspect may indeed provide guidance and support in exploring and fostering genuine intimacy within the relationship. Furthermore, marriage counselling is an effective means to address and resolve any ambivalence that may arise in a marriage.

photo created by dcstudio at freep