Couples Therapy for Infidelity – How Can Infidelity Treatment Help?
Written By Diana Tutschek – Marriage Counsellor & Couples Therapist in Vienna (Austria) and Dubai (UAE)
Couples Counsellor: Addressing Infidelity in Couples Therapy
Challenges of Couples Therapy for Infidelity
Therapy for infidelity (in-person or online) – how can it help? It may help in many ways; yet, the outcome will depend on whether both partners are on the same page or not. Infidelity has been one of the major causes of crises in couples due to its consequences for the relationship. It is considered one of the most recurring reasons for visits to clinical consultants, such as couples therapists and marriage counsellors. Infidelity is regarded as the main cause of divorce worldwide. Furthermore, many trauma therapists claim that infidelity as a form of interpersonal betrayal trauma is among the most detrimental forms of psychological trauma.
An extradyadic affair can deeply impact the relationship, leaving both partners unsure of how to move forward. Similarly, marriage counsellors and couples therapists realise that addressing the aftermath of an affair is intricate and challenging. The emotional turbulence and breach of trust resulting from infidelity create a complex web of emotions and issues to untangle. Consequently, in the early stages of marriage counselling or couples therapy following an affair, setting clear goals can often be a difficult task.
The Role of Intimate Life in Well-Being and Health
Intimate life is important for most adults and greatly influences overall happiness. Indeed, a satisfying intimate relationship is a foundation of well-being and a factor preventing the effects of limitless stressors. Plenty of evidence supports the positive health benefits of marriage, psychologically and physically. However, when distress, quarrels and disappointment are constantly present in relationship dynamics, detrimental consequences might be hardly preventable. Not only for the relationship but also for the physical and mental health of the partners.
Finding out about a partner’s infidelity may cause extreme suffering and distress. It may provoke obsessive visualisation of the intimacies of the affair, overthinking and compulsive actions aimed at discovering all the facts of the cheating. In addition, it may lead to endless investigations about the affair partner, hypervigilance for unfaithfulness, fury and clinginess.
In this article, I describe the integrative approach as one of the methods I might employ in couples therapy for infidelity. Yet, depending on the case, our therapy may or may not be influenced by any of the approaches.
Eventually, the focus is on the overarching aim of infidelity therapy – determining whether partners are capable of moving forward together or if moving on separately is more beneficial.
Integrative Therapy for Infidelity (In-Person or Online via Internet-Based Platforms)
The impact of infidelity is often regarded as interpersonal betrayal trauma, The associated symptoms, such as shock, reliving, flashbacks and hyperarousal are considered post-traumatic (Ecker, 2012). Nevertheless, trauma interventions are insufficient to help couples recover from an affair. Marriage therapy that I find helpful for infidelity-specific problems integrates
- cognitive-behavioural
- insight-oriented,
- trauma-based,
- forgiveness interventions.
Phases of Infidelity Treatment
Our infidelity therapy is often based on a resolution of three key phases to help manage a post-affair crisis:
Phase 1 of Couples Therapy for Infidelity
First of all, we aim to manage the immediate impact of infidelity and address the immediate effects of the affair, such as emotional dysregulation, anxiety issues, depression or substance abuse.
Before commencing couples therapy, it is crucial to address any pre-existing mental health conditions.
Among the succeeding therapeutic tasks are
setting boundaries,
The participating partner must establish clear boundaries regarding interactions with the third person involved. The aim is to cease all contact with the third person to resolve the relationship crisis and move forward. Maintaining ongoing contact with the outside partner can re-traumatise the injured partner and hinder the progress that the couple has made.
learning self-care techniques
Both partners should focus on self-care, including relaxation and mindfulness practices, maintaining good sleep hygiene and physical well-being and avoiding dysfunctional coping mechanisms such as alcohol abuse.
learning time-out and venting techniques
Given the intense negative interactions during this stage, couples often need strategies to disengage when emotions become overwhelming. Time-out strategies involve recognising when a break is necessary and effectively communicating that need. It is important to use time-outs constructively, engaging in non-aggressive physical exercise or relaxation strategies rather than dwelling on negative thoughts or planning counterattacks.
learning emotion regulation skills and discussing the consequences of infidelity
Both partners must learn how to regulate their emotions and engage in open discussions about the consequences of the affair. The participating partner should understand that the injured partner may struggle to comprehend their perspective unless they first experience genuine understanding and remorse for the impact of their actions
managing flashbacks
The response to an affair closely resembles the reaction to trauma, and it is common for both partners to undergo reexperiencing phenomena. Affair-related triggers can lead to flashbacks and emotional distress. Identifying triggers and proactively addressing them can help minimize confusion and emotional reactions when flashbacks occur.
EMDR for Infidelity Treatment
Infidelity frequently carries the damaging consequences of interpersonal betrayal trauma for an injured partner. Thus, as a marriage therapist who is also certified in EMDR, I may also employ EMDR therapy to treat the post-affair effects. Its unique method blends eye movements or other bilateral stimulation with therapeutic techniques to process and heal from the destructive effects of infidelity. Processing and integrating negative memories while installing positive beliefs aims to improve emotional well-being. EMDR therapy can be a life-changing course towards healing from interpersonal betrayal trauma and developing satisfying relationships.
Phase 2 of Couples Therapy for Infidelity
Next, we work on gaining insight into the reasons why the affair happened. We may consider infidelity as an easy source of external validation, depending on the developmental history of the participating partner. Furthermore, we discuss all possible contributions to the affair. At this stage, it is crucial to distinguish between contributing to the context of the affair versus responsibility for engaging in the affair. Yet, it is critical to assess for potential pre-existing psychiatric conditions or underlying personality issues in the participating partner that may contribute to the affair.
A participating partner is always held responsible for their choices to have an affair. Yet, it’s important to understand the context within which they made this decision.
Phase 3 of Couples Therapy for Infidelity
Finally, we consider moving forward. In this phase of therapy for infidelity, we employ forgiveness interventions. We will explore the shared beliefs of each partner regarding forgiveness and the potential consequences of both forgiving and not forgiving. Forgiveness entails offering an apology and taking responsibility for one’s actions. Consequently, the injured partner must let go of their resentment and release their desire for revenge and retaliation. It’s critical to differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness does not imply reconciliation. It is possible to forgive someone without reconciling with them, as reconciliation requires additional considerations and efforts from both parties involved.
Subsequently, the couple is encouraged to re-evaluate their relationship and decide whether they wish to continue the relationship.
Ultimately, the partners start working on either improving their relationship in the here and now or initiating divorce or separation.
Complex Affairs
Any affair has the potential to be traumatic, resulting in devastating consequences for both partners. However, certain affairs can be particularly complex due to the involvement of a specific third party, such as an affair with someone who holds a special, trusted position in the participating or injured partner’s life or with someone who had a hierarchical relationship with the participating partner. Additionally, the substantial magnitude of the affair, such as a double life with a second residence or children with the outside person, further adds to its intricacy. In such cases, our therapy follows the general framework outlined in this text, with me, as a therapist, giving special consideration to these complicating factors. Multiple or severe betrayals and complex contributions may require more comprehensive or extended treatment.
Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy for Infidelity (In-Person or Online): Conclusion
The importance of a satisfying intimate partnership cannot be overstated, as it greatly influences overall well-being and acts as a buffer against various stressors. The discovery of a partner’s infidelity usually elicits extreme suffering and distress, triggering a range of emotions and behaviours. Integrative therapy approaches that combine cognitive-behavioural, insight-oriented, trauma-based and forgiveness interventions have proven effective in addressing infidelity-specific issues. Online marriage counselling and couples therapy for infidelity typically follow three phases: managing the immediate impact, gaining insight into the reasons behind the affair, and considering the path forward.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can be particularly beneficial in addressing the profound effects of interpersonal betrayal trauma. By integrating negative memories and promoting emotional well-being, EMDR therapy offers a transformative path towards healing from betrayal trauma.
Ultimately, the couple works on improving their relationship or makes decisions regarding their future together. By managing the immediate effects, gaining insight and exploring forgiveness, couples can embark on a path of healing, leading to either the revitalisation of their relationship or the pursuit of separate paths. Through adequate therapy, individuals can find solace, growth and the possibility of building a more fulfilling and satisfying future.
Therapy acknowledges the potential complexity of certain affairs, particularly those involving a specific third party or substantial magnitude and emphasises the importance of tailored approaches.
The Goal of Infidelity Therapy
In this article, I have elaborated on one of the methods–the integrative approach–I might employ in couples therapy for infidelity, whether in-person or online via Zoom or other platforms. Yet, depending on the situation, we might need a different approach or none at all. Ultimately, infidelity therapy aims to determine whether partners are capable of progressing together, or if taking separate paths is more beneficial.