Couples Therapist: Tips for Sustaining a Long-Distance Relationship
Long distance may interfere with sustaining a strong and healthy relationship and affect both the mental well-being of the partners and their genuine intimacy. Yet, years of my experience as a marriage counsellor and couples therapist have shown that thriving in such relationships is entirely feasible. Moreover, distance can even deepen the bond and affection between partners.
Communicating and Putting in Efforts
It is important to communicate honestly about your feelings. It may be worth waiting for—if you are both on the same page. You have to be willing to make sacrifices and be patient. Moreover, you have to be willing to put in the effort to make it work. You have to be ready to make compromises. And you have to be eager to have time for each other.
As an experienced couples therapist and counsellor, I have acknowledged that functional long-distance relationships require a particular focus on trust, communication and dedication. I have realised that there are several essential things to know when it comes to enduring this kind of relationship.
Tips from a Couples Therapist on How to Keep a Long-Distance Relationship Going
Tip 1. YOU ALWAYS NEED TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING AS A COUPLE
The persistent uncertainty about the present and future is the factor that destroys long-distance relationships. When you are uncertain, you will ask yourself,
Is this of any value?
Does he/she still feel the same way about me?
Is there someone else he/she is seeing without me knowing?
Am I acting foolish?
These uncertainties have a serious potential to develop into existential crises the more you are apart. That is why to have a stronger long-distance relationship, a couple needs to continually have a date they both look forward to and are excited about. It will typically be your mutual next opportunity to see one another. But it can also be other significant life events, such as searching for employment in the partner’s city or going on a trip together. The sooner you stop having anything to look forward to, the more difficult it will be to keep your optimism and passion for one another intact.
People frequently enquire whether, as a couples therapist, I truly believe that an online long-distance relationship is sustainable.
In fact, all relationships have one thing in common: if they are not evolving, they are decaying.
Especially in a long-distance relationship, progress is crucial. There must be a common goal that you are reaching for together. This goal must motivate you. You need to be working towards some objectives as a couple. There must be a converging trajectory on the horizon. Otherwise, you will inevitably grow apart.
Tip 2. REFRAIN FROM JUDGING OR OVERIDEALIZING
When two individuals have a long-distance romantic relationship, a curious thing occurs: they are unable to see each other for who they really are. When they are separated from one another or have limited interaction, they start to make different assumptions or judgements that are typically either overblown or completely inaccurate.
This can show up in long-distance relationships in several different ways. Sometimes, perceptions of every casual social gathering as a potential danger to a relationship prompt one of the partners or both of them to become markedly possessive or jealous. In other situations, people become excessively anxious and critical to the point where any minor setback could signal the end of the relationship, e.g. when their partner skips a regular chat because of a power outage.
Yet, some people take the opposite path and idealise their relationship as flawless. After all, it is simple to forget about all the annoying aspects of your partner’s personality if they are not consistently right in front of you. It feels fantastic to think that “the one”—your ideal partner—is out there and that the only thing separating you from them is annoying logistical complications. This, unfortunataly, does not serve as a useful purpose.
Talking to your partner about how you both feel at any given time is the best thing you can do.
Tip 3. MAKE COMMUNICATION A CHOICE
Many long-distance couples establish rules dictating how many calls they must have or how often they must talk. This strategy might be effective for some people. However, interaction is better when it develops naturally. Instead of speaking to one another out of obligation, you should do it whenever you feel like doing it. And if doing so necessitates a brief break in communication, then so be it. After all, people have busy lives. And having occasionally a few days off is actually quite healthy.
In any relationship, including a long-distance one, communication is crucial. Yet, just having more of it is not necessarily in the couple’s best interests, particularly when it is forced. Forced communication frequently causes more issues than it resolves as you seem to spend time with your partner out of obligation rather than choice.
Making every conversation optional, implying that you both may stop at any point, is the best way to avoid making this error. The secret is to remember that your partner is not your servant and not to start taking these opt-outs personally when they occur. It is entirely the choice of your partner to decide if they are having a hectic week or need some alone time. Yet, you must see your partner’s (and your own) need for contact as a measure of the state of the relationship. That is important to discuss and be open about.
Tip 4. ENSURE THAT THE DISTANCE IS TRANSIENT
Without optimism, long-distance relationships cannot endure. For any hope, there needs to be a likelihood that the two involved parties will one day be together and live their happy life together. Everything else will rapidly feel pointless without that mutual understanding of a happy life together.
Keep in mind that love is insufficient. The partners must share the same beliefs, interests and similar life goals. Moreover, for a long-distance relationship to function, both partners must be willing to make necessary logistical and life-rearranging commitments.
Importance of Genuine Intimacy
Besides that, in a long-distance relationship, you might have only a half-baked understanding of what it is like to be with that person. While you may grasp their temperament and attractiveness in general, the picture will be incomplete. Before you are actually together, you might lack the genuine intimacy that is essential for truly understanding the depth and dynamics of the relationship.
Having said that, my extensive experience as a marriage counsellor has demonstrated that a long-distance relationship can be fulfilling and satisfying. And it is certainly worth the effort.
Tips from a Couples Therapist on Maintaining an Online Long-Distance Relationship : Conclusion
- All relationships share a common feature: if they are not evolving, they are decaying.
- Growth is vital in a long-distance relationship.
- There must be a common goal that you are reaching for together.