Tips from a Couples Therapist for Improving Communication and Problem Solving in Marriage
In marriage counselling and couples therapy, whether in person or online, we often address the couple’s poor communication and problem-solving. In fact, deficient relationship skills are frequently linked to common complaints, such as lacking empathy and genuine intimacy, insufficient attention to each other, conflict escalation and deficient problem-solving.
With over a decade of experience as a couples therapist and counsellor in Austria, UAE and online worldwide, I am confident that improving relationship skills may substantially enhance the overall quality and satisfaction of the partnership.
Communication Problems in Marriage: Identifying Unhealthy Interaction
Unhealthy communication in marriage refers to behaviours and interaction styles that result in misunderstandings, conflicts and emotional disconnection between partners. These negative communication patterns may lead to the eventual breakdown or dissolution of the marriage.
Destructive Communication Patterns in a Relationship
- Criticism: Constantly finding faults, attacking or belittling the partner rather than addressing specific issues or behaviours. Criticism creates a defensive atmosphere incompatible with constructive communication.
- Defensiveness: Reacting with defensiveness, denial or counter-attacks when faced with criticism or feedback from the partner. This pattern can escalate conflicts and prevent open and honest communication.
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing or shutting down emotionally during communication, often as a way to avoid conflict or intense emotions. Stonewalling prevents problem-solving and can leave the other partner feeling ignored and invalidated.
- Contempt: Engaging in disrespectful behaviour such as mocking, name-calling or displaying a superior attitude towards the partner. Contempt creates hostility and undermines the emotional connection between partners.
- Invalidating: Dismissing or minimizing the partner’s feelings, experiences or opinions. Invalidating communication patterns can make the partner feel unheard and unimportant.
- Blame and Deflection: Constantly blaming the partner for issues and refusing to take responsibility for one’s own actions. This pattern prevents accountability and problem-solving, leading to a cycle of unresolved conflicts.
Other Patterns of Maladaptive Communication in Couples
- Emotional Explosions: Reacting to disagreements or conflicts with intense emotional outbursts, shouting or anger. This behaviour is intimidating, induces fear and hinders productive communication.
- Passive-Aggressiveness: Indirectly expressing hostility or discontent through sarcasm, silent treatment or subtle acts of sabotage. Passive-aggressive behaviour undermines trust and creates a toxic atmosphere in the relationship.
- Mind Reading: Assuming or interpreting the partner’s thoughts, feelings or intentions without seeking clarification or open communication. Mind reading can lead to misunderstandings and inaccurate assumptions.
- Avoidance: Ignoring or avoiding important topics or issues that need to be addressed, leading to a lack of resolution and growing resentment.
It is worth noting that unhealthy communication patterns can develop over time and often stem from unmet needs, unresolved conflicts or ineffective coping mechanisms.
Recognising these patterns and working towards healthier communication is crucial for a supportive and harmonious marital relationship. Couples often seek professional help, such as online or in-person marriage counselling and couples therapy to help them learn effective communication skills and constructively address the unhealthy patterns.
Marriage Counselling and Therapy (Online or In-Person) for Improving Relationship and Communication Skills
Besides recognising and tackling the above-mentioned unhealthy communication patterns in marriage, a couple has to develop certain relationship and communication skills to foster a supportive and harmonious relationship. Healthy communication in marriage relies heavily on expressive and receptive communication skills that each partner possesses. Expressive communication allows individuals to effectively articulate their thoughts and feelings, using “I” statements to express their own experiences and emotions. This approach encourages openness, honesty, and personal responsibility in communication.
Receptive communication, on the other hand, involves actively listening and understanding the messages being conveyed by the partner. It includes non-verbal cues such as eye contact and nodding, as well as paraphrasing and empathising with the partner’s perspective. By actively engaging in receptive communication, individuals demonstrate respect, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand their partner’s thoughts and emotions.
Communication Problems in Marriage: How to Improve Expressive and Receptive Communication Skills?
Expressive Communication Skills
Expressive communication is crucial for sharing our feelings and thoughts constructively. One way to enhance expressive communication is by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, saying “I feel abandoned and worried when you come home late without messaging or calling” allows for open dialogue, compared to a more demanding approach like “Why are you always so late?” or hurtful remarks like “What’s wrong with you?”
“I” statements encourage an assertive communication style instead of being aggressive or critical.
Receptive Communication Skills
Receptive communication is our ability to understand and comprehend information conveyed through various means. It encompasses skills such as
- non-verbal attending (such as head-nodding and eye contact),
- paraphrasing,
- empathising
Expressive and receptive communication skills serve as the foundation for successful communication and problem-solving in relationships. It is essential to engage in constructive and positive assertions rather than resorting to complaints and accusations to ensure effective and clear communication.
Problem-solving is another functional approach that plays a crucial role in establishing and maintaining a constructive dialogue within a couple’s relationship. It allows for collaborative problem-solving and fosters mutual understanding and resolution.
Communication Problems in Marriage: How to Improve Problem-Solving Skills?
Problem solving is a significant element of most cognitive-behavioural treatments, especially when working with distressed relationships.
The problem-solving approach underlines the importance of identifying a problem before attempting to resolve it. The reason for having these two processes discrete is that partners can waste a lot of energy and time trying to solve something they have not agreed on as the issue they wish to address.
Problem-solving comprises two distinct stages: problem identification and problem resolution. This two-stage process helps couples avoid suggesting changes before accurately identifying the problem at hand.
Separating these two processes ensures that partners do not waste energy and time trying to solve something they have not agreed on as the problem they wish to solve.
Phase 1: Identifying a Problem
Hewison, Clulow and Drake (2015) suggest four helpful guidelines for identifying a problem:
When expressing a problem, begin with a positive aspect. For example, “I really miss you when you’re away” is more constructive than “You’re never around.” Starting with a positive statement conveys appreciation for the partner while addressing the complaint, helping to avoid polarising positive and negative feelings in the relationship.
2. Be precise and avoid insulting language.
Vague statements do not allow partners to understand the issue being addressed. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me,” it is more helpful to say something like, “I know you’re preoccupied with work at the moment, but when you don’t talk to me over the meal table, I feel like I don’t matter to you. We used to have such good talks.” Precision in communication fosters understanding and avoids misunderstandings.
3. Avoid derogatory labels.
It is necessary to maintain a cooperative stance. Insulting diagnoses like “You’re so delirious about this” or derogatory statements like “You are silly and lazy” can only provoke conflict and hinder productive problem-solving. Labels tend to trigger defensive reactions. It makes problems more entrenched rather than resolved.
4. Focus on personal experiences and avoid invoking unchallengeable authorities.
Statements like “My mother warned me that you were untrustworthy” only escalate tensions and inhibit functional communication. Sharing personal experiences and perspectives may facilitate a more constructive dialogue.
5. Express feelings.
When identifying a problem, it is important to express your feelings and emotions related to the issue. For example, “I feel abandoned and also worried when you come home late without messaging or calling” acknowledges the emotional impact of the behaviour on you. Problems in relationships are often fuelled by underlying feelings. Acknowledging and expressing those feelings is crucial for effective problem-solving.
6. Be succinct when identifying the problem.
It is helpful to be concise and specific when stating the issue. For instance, “I feel abandoned and also worried when you come home late without messaging or calling as it has been happening for the past several months” provides a clear description of the problem. It is important to focus on one specific issue at a time, as larger problems may need to be broken down into smaller, more manageable components.
7. Express the consequences of the problem for you.
When discussing the issue, communicate the impact it has on you. For example, “I feel upset and can hardly focus on anything else” highlights the consequences of the behaviour on your emotional well-being. Expressing the personal repercussions of the problem may help the partner understand the significance of the issue and encourage empathy and understanding.
Communication Problems in Marriage: Summing Up the Problem-Identification Phase
The goal of the problem-identification phase is for partners to reach a mutual agreement on the specific problem they want to address. A well-defined problem statement includes
- a positive statement,
- an explanation of the undesired behaviour,
- a description of the situations in which the problem occurs
- and the repercussions it has on the partner experiencing the distress.
I love spending time together. When you’re away, I genuinely miss you. I understand that work is currently demanding your attention. But it leaves me feeling abandoned and worried when you come home late without messaging or calling, especially considering this has been happening for the past several months. Sometimes, it makes me question my importance to you, and I find it difficult to focus on anything else. These feelings of upset and distraction weigh heavily on me.
By clearly articulating the problem, its causes, and its impact, couples can engage in a productive and focused discussion to find a solution.
Phase 2: Problem Solving
After defining the problem, the partners brainstorm as many solutions as possible. I recommend following several guidelines in the problem-solving phase:
focus on solutions
1. Both partners take responsibility for their role in creating the problem, even though it can be challenging. Acknowledging responsibility depends on the ability to agree on the problem’s definition and the capacity to tolerate associated emotions. It’s necessary to avoid deflecting blame and instead focus on mutual understanding and growth within the relationship.
2. The partners address one issue at a time to maintain focus and avoid overwhelming the discussion with multiple concerns.
3. Paraphrasing plays a crucial role in promoting effective communication. While it may feel artificial at times, the purpose is to slow the discussion, enhance listening and minimise misunderstandings or hidden assumptions. By paraphrasing, partners can ensure that they understand each other’s perspectives accurately.
4. Interpretations should be avoided, and the discussion should focus on observed facts rather than assumptions or subjective interpretations.
5. It is essential to maintain an impartial and solution-focused mindset rather than dwelling on negativity. The goal should be to find constructive resolutions rather than dwelling on past grievances.
find a compromise
6. Partners should aim for compromise when considering solutions that involve behavioural changes. It’s important to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each solution and find a middle ground that satisfies both partners.
7. Ultimately, the couple needs to reach an agreement on changes that will help resolve the problem.
The problem-solving process requires both partners to adhere to these guidelines. If a couple struggles to do so, it may indicate the need for acceptance or additional work in marriage counselling or couples therapy before embarking on the problem-solving effort.
Can online or in-person marriage counselling and therapy fix all relationship problems?
While improved communication and problem-solving skills are essential, addressing the underlying lack of genuine intimate connection in a relationship is equally important. This lack of connection can manifest in different ways, such as one partner leaning out or expressing that the feelings are gone. Various factors can affect intimacy and hinder an intimate connection in a relationship. If necessary, we delve into and resolve these issues in other stages of our marriage counselling or couples therapy.
Solving Communication Problems in Marriage. Conclusion
Identifying and addressing unhealthy communication patterns in marriage is crucial for maintaining a harmonious relationship. Recognising criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, invalidating, blame and deflection, emotional explosions, passive-aggressiveness, mind reading and avoidance is the first step towards fostering healthy communication. Additionally, developing functional expressive and receptive communication skills is essential. Expressive communication allows for the open sharing of thoughts and feelings using “I” statements, while receptive communication involves active listening and understanding. Additionally, problem identification, solution brainstorming and compromise are key to resolving conflicts.
While communication and problem-solving skills are vital, addressing underlying deficiencies in genuine intimate connection is equally critical. Marriage counselling and therapy (whether online or in person) that tackles this relationship aspect may provide guidance and support in exploring and fostering genuine intimacy. Furthermore, marriage counselling is an effective means of addressing and resolving any ambivalence that may arise in your marriage.
Psychologist, Mental Health and Couples Counsellor—Diana Tutschek
Diana is a certified marriage counsellor and couples therapist with over a decade of international experience providing online and in-person counselling. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and mental health from King’s College London (UK) and the University of Vienna (Austria). Diana is trained in cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), cognitive-behavioural stress management, performance coaching and couples therapy.
You can learn more about her approach to couples treatment from her articles about therapy for individual differences, overcoming infidelity trauma, treating jealousy and managing other relationship and marital challenges, which she addresses in her sessions.