How to Control Your Anger? Therapist’s Tips

Therapist’s Tips on How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You: Anger Management in Dubai

Written by Diana Tutschek, a Counselling Psychologist Offering Anger Management Therapy in Dubai and Online.

Anger control difficulties are not classified under any specific diagnostic category in the DSM and ICD diagnostic manuals. However, many people address this problem alongside other mental health and psychological conditions, such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and various personality disorders or difficulties. It is commonly observed that anger management problems tend to worsen within the context of relationships, which often prompts people to seek professional aid in addressing anger issues.

Constructive Versus Dysfunctional Anger

Anger is a commonly experienced human emotion, and it is unlikely that we can eliminate it. In fact, anger serves a purpose in helping us recognise problems and take appropriate action. Psychotherapists use frequency, intensity, and duration of anger as indicators to determine whether it is a healthy or disturbed emotion. However, relying solely on quantitative dimensions may not always differentiate between adaptive and maladaptive anger. For instance, someone who experiences frequent or intense anger due to repeated moral offences may respond adaptively. Some theorists argue that the underlying goals of anger provide a better distinction between adaptive and disturbed expressions. Maladaptive anger often stems from a desire for revenge or tension reduction, whereas adaptive anger arises from the intention to address and resolve the underlying problem.

The correlation between the qualitative aspects of anger and its frequency, intensity, and duration remains unclear. However, by distinguishing between constructive, malevolent, and selfish/fractious goals, we can gain insights into the nature of anger. Constructive goals focus on maintaining relationships, asserting authority, facilitating behavioural change in the instigator, or resolving underlying issues. Malevolent goals involve seeking revenge or causing harm, while selfish/fractious goals aim to enforce compliance or alleviate personal frustration.

Anger of Hope and  Anger of Despair

Bowlby (1973) coined the term “anger of hope” for constructive anger and “anger of despair” for malevolent anger. As defined by Bowlby, individuals with secure emotional attachment styles tend to display constructive anger and have healthier expressions of anger. Conversely, individuals with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style often experience dysfunctional anger driven by malevolent goals, avoiding confrontation and ruminating on hostile thoughts.

It is worth noting that angry individuals often perceive themselves as victims of unfairness, which may lead them to resist the idea of eliminating their anger. Therefore, the initial step in facilitating change involves helping them understand the distinction between adaptive and destructive anger reactions.

Anger Versus Aggression

The constructs of anger and aggression are often confused by scientists, clinicians, and the general public. These terms are frequently used interchangeably, leading to a blurred understanding of their relationship. Cognitive behaviour therapy and the behavioural sciences categorise human experience into thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Anger is an emotion, whereas aggression is a behaviour.

Anger is a natural and instinctive human emotion arising in response to perceived threats, frustration or injustice. It ranges from mild irritation to intense fury. Aggression is a behaviour (action) that may result from anger. It is the physical or verbal act of hostility, harm or violence towards others or objects. Aggression can be both overt, such as physical attacks or yelling, and covert, such as passive-aggressive behaviours, including sarcasm and silent treatment, as well as subtle digs or spiteful comments on social media. Both overt and covert aggression are highly likely to escalate conflicts, damage relationships and impact your own emotional well-being. Moreover, aggressive behaviour often leads to legal consequences and physical harm to both others & yourself.

We may experience anger and choose not to act aggressively.

Revenge as a Possible Link

One probable link between anger and aggression is a motive, such as revenge (DiGiuseppe and Tafrate, 2006). Historically, psychology has not focused much on motives, contributing to the ongoing confusion surrounding the constructs of anger and aggression.

Expressing anger in a healthy way is essential to avoid harmful consequences both for yourself and others. Some ways to constructively channel anger are assertiveness, physical exercise and thought journalling.

While anger may prepare the body for a fight, it does not necessarily lead to aggression. Likewise, aggressive behaviour does not always require feeling angry. 

When Does Anger Become a Problem?

We may feel angry for different reasons, including fear, hurt, disappointment, frustration, grief or sadness. Consequently, anger often serves as an outward expression of another underlying emotion.

Anger becomes a problem when it causes trouble for the individual and their surroundings. These problems may include

• verbal, psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse,
• controlling behaviours,
• persistent anger,
• instilling fear in others,
• experiencing difficulties in interpersonal relationships at work, school or home,
• unremitting anger,
• or feeling depressed and anxious due to anger-related issues.

Learning anger management skills (e.g. through cognitive behaviour therapy or anger management training) can help us understand the underlying causes of our anger.

Additionally, it’s critical to learn how to identify triggers and vulnerabilities, recognise warning signs and acquire necessary techniques to calm ourselves down and manage situations before they escalate.

Anger Management in Dubai: Cognitive Behavioural Approach to Controlling Anger 

To gain control over anger, it is helpful to understand the following concepts:

• Thoughts, feelings, and behaviour are distinct and can be regulated.
• It is the interpretation of situations and events that triggers anger, rather than the situations or events per se.
• Feeling anger is natural, but the expression of anger can be either appropriate or inappropriate.
• Recognising internal and external signs of anger is crucial in achieving emotional control.
• Self-talk plays a role in contributing to anger.
• Coping strategies can be learned to minimise angry behaviour.
• Distorted thinking, known as cognitive distortions, significantly influences the expression of anger.

From a cognitive-behavioural perspective, the experience of anger unfolds in the following sequence:

 Thoughts (Interpretations) → Feelings → Behaviour

Anger Awareness

Being aware of your anger before it escalates is crucial. Once it spirals out of control, maintaining analytical objectivity becomes nearly impossible This often leads to negative consequences, affecting not only yourself but also those around you.

Essential Anger Management Techniques: Identify Triggers and Vulnerabilities

The initial step involves identifying the situations that provoke our anger. Indeed, different people may have different triggers, but some common examples include 

• high-stress environments, 
• perceived threats, 
• feeling provoked, disrespected or unfairly treated.
• frustration
• annoyances
• disappointments

As an anger management expert providing anger therapy in Dubai and worldwide, I help my clients thoroughly assess various events and situations and create a comprehensive list of things that trigger their anger.  The purpose of this exercise is to help people identify potential anger triggers in advance, allowing them to respond more adaptively when confronted with those triggers.

Furthermore, it is necessary to recognise your present vulnerability alongside the triggers. 

Vulnerabilities and triggers may interact and well amplify each other, leading to more intense anger outbursts. 

Common vulnerabilities that may precipitate anger and aggressive behaviour are

• Sleep difficulties and mental health issues
• physical health problems (e.g. pain),
• unresolved past trauma and other experiences,
• personality difficulties,
• low self-esteem or
• exaggerated self-esteem

It is crucial to consider these internal and external factors when assessing the reasons behind your or someone else’s anger.

These factors may contribute to being overly angry and irritable:

• Some substances affect brain chemistry and may provoke heightened irritability and anger.
• Mental health conditions (e.g. depression, various anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder) or certain personality difficulties/disorders may affect emotion regulation, leading to difficulty managing emotions.
• Sleep deprivation or poor sleep quality may contribute to increased irritability and anger.
• Physical health conditions (e.g. chronic pain, hormonal imbalances) or neurological disorders may lead to elevated irritability and anger.
• Stress: When stress from work, personal life or other sources accumulates without adequate coping, it can manifest as difficulty managing emotions.
• Unresolved and unaddressed conflict perpetuates and intensifies irritability and anger.
• Learned Behaviour: Growing up in an environment where anger was frequently witnessed and expressed may lead to learned patterns of anger and irritability as a default response to stressors.

Addressing these factors may require additional support or intervention.

Recognise the Anger Warning Signs

Physical Symptoms. Being mindful of physical manifestations is key to managing anger. Common signs include

• Faster heart rate,
• muscle tension,
• shaking or trembling,
• tightness in the chest or throat,
• weakness in the legs,
• hot flashes and,
• facial redness.

By noticing these cues in the moment, you can proactively address anger before it escalates. Early awareness also helps prevent negatively affecting our physical well-being, such as increased blood pressure and muscle tension.

Anger Management in Dubai: Acknowledge the Consequences of Angry Behaviour

Patterns of Responding

• Identify any recurring patterns in your anger responses.
• Reflect on the emotional aftermath.
• Consider how your anger responses impact others & (potential) consequences for your relationships with them.
• Understandably, the perceived absence of immediate negative consequences for a relationship may create a false sense of security. However, this does not justify aggression or emotional abuse. While the negative effects of physical or emotional abuse might not be immediately apparent to the instigator, they will inevitably surface later, often in more damaging and irreparable ways.

People’s motivation to change and gain emotional control over anger should stem from their desire to lead a different life.

Overt Maladaptive Anger Expression

Explosive outbursts resulting in abusive behaviour or damage to property do nothing better than escalate conflicts, damage relationships in both personal and professional spheres, affect your own emotional well-being, hinder healthy communication and perpetuate negativity. In addition, they often lead to legal consequences and physical harm to others or yourself. Explosive outbursts commonly include

• violence and aggression
• verbal abuse,
• yelling or intimidation

Covert Maladaptive Anger Expression

Passive-aggressive behaviour involves indirectly expressing anger or frustration through subtle and indirect actions, including

• Sarcasm: Using irony or mocking statements to convey anger or disapproval without explicitly expressing it.
• Sulking or silent treatment: Withdrawing, refusing to communicate or withholding information as a way of expressing anger or frustration.
• Sabotaging behaviour: Engaging in actions that undermine or harm others as a way of venting anger without directly confronting the issue.
• Guilt-tripping: Manipulating others into feeling guilty as a means of expressing anger or seeking revenge.
• Excessive criticism or nitpicking: Constantly finding faults or pointing out flaws in others’ behaviour or work to express anger.
• Passive resistance: Deliberately not complying with requests or directives as a way of expressing defiance or anger.

Expressing anger covertly in a passive-aggressive manner can be just as harmful to relationships and your well-being as overt expressions of anger, such as

• shouting,
• yelling,
• being snappy or
• being physically aggressive.

As an anger management therapist, I aid clients in analysing the negative consequences of their angry behaviour and aim to develop their motivation to change.

Anger as an Outward Expression of Other Emotions

Anger often serves as an outward expression of deeper emotions and feelings, such as fear, sadness, disappointment, frustration or feeling hurt. By acknowledging and addressing these underlying emotions and feelings, we can develop healthier ways to manage and express our anger to enhance interpersonal communication and our own emotional well-being.

Slowing Down the Automatic Anger Process

Once you become aware of your anger symptoms, response patterns & consequences, vulnerabilities & external factors contributing to your & others’ anger response, you can focus on learning skills to manage anger more effectively.

If you are too upset or angry to handle the situation in a controlled manner, give yourself time to cool down or use a buffer, such as box breathing, before addressing the situation.

Anger Management in Dubai: Coping Skills

Anger Appraisal and Thought Control

During episodes of anger, we tend to engage in exaggerated and irrational thinking. However, it is possible to replace these unhelpful thoughts with more rational and constructive ones, leading to a shift in our emotional state. Identifying our self-talk can be instrumental in achieving this.

Cognitive restructuring can help develop new thinking patterns to better manage anger. By actively observing your thought processes, you can pinpoint negative thoughts that trigger anger and replace them with more rational ones. Consider the following questions:

• What kind of self-talk or thoughts do I engage in that tend to provoke my anger?
• What is the valid part of my anger?
• Are there any distorted thoughts contributing to or intensifying my anger? (E.g. “NO ONE respects me” or “EVERYONE mistreats me.”)
• What alternative, rational (and realistic) thoughts can I have to reduce my anger?

Cognitive distortions are at the core of irrational thoughts and often contribute to the intensity and misdirection of anger. They can lead to overreactions, misinterpretations and magnification of perceived threats. The major cognitive distortions comprise

• All-or-nothing thinking
• Catastrophising
• Jumping to conclusions
• Mind reading
• Personalisation & blame
• Emotional reasoning
• Discounting the positive
• Labelling
• Mental filtering

Identifying these cognitive distortions will help you challenge and reframe negative thought patterns, leading to healthier emotional responses and more constructive ways of managing anger.

Recognise the thoughts you have about the situation before reacting. Do you feel offended? Do you believe you have been treated unfairly? Are you annoyed by frustrating events?

Anger Expression

When it comes to constructively expressing anger, there are two important factors to consider: choosing the right approach and having alternative options to suppressing anger or blowing up. 

Choosing the Right Approach to Expressing Anger

• Consider the power dynamics of the circumstances. Are you on equal footing or in a different position? Consequences differ with different people. Expressing anger with those who hold power over you may lack favourable outcomes. On the other hand, emotionally abusing someone in a weaker position is never a constructive approach. Additionally, in casual encounters, sharing anger feelings may not always be worthwhile, whereas in closer relationships, it can be beneficial. However, it’s important to remember that sharing feelings and engaging in emotional (or physical) abuse are entirely different things.
• Consider timing. Is it better to address the issue when you or the other person are in a better mood?
• Determine the desired outcome. Do you want to preserve the relationship or achieve a specific goal regardless of its impact on the relationship?

Alternative Options to Suppressing Anger or Acting Explosively

• Assertiveness: Stand up for your own needs while also respecting the needs of the other person involved. 
• Cooling Down/Distraction: Take a break from the situation and wait for a better time to address the issue. This can involve stepping away, practising box breathing or just taking deep breaths, counting to ten, etc. 
• Soothing: Seek advice or support from someone you trust. Talking to a neutral party can provide a fresh perspective, offer guidance and help you find constructive solutions to the problem.
• Exercise: Engage in physical activity as a way to release tension and channel your anger in a healthy manner. Going for a walk, doing sit-ups or participating in any form of exercise can help. 
• Relaxation: Learn to relax. Multiple studies have highlighted the significance of relaxation in reducing stress levels, relieving muscle tension and preventing anger and anxiety. Some of the evidence-based relaxation practices are breathing exercises, mindfulness training and progressive muscle relaxation. 
• Expression: Share your feelings with the person involved, expressing that you feel treated unfairly. It’s important to communicate your concerns calmly and assertively, focusing on the specific behaviour or situation that triggered your anger.
• Information Seeking: Take the time to gather more details about the situation or the other person’s perspective. Seek clarification and ask questions to ensure you have a complete understanding before reacting. 

To sum up: Healthy Versus Unhealthy Anger Expressions and Why It May Matter

Healthy Anger Expression

Channelling anger constructively fosters healthier relationships, is good for your own emotional (and physical) health and allows for the adequate resolution of conflicts. Here are some examples of healthy ways to express anger:

Assertiveness

Stand up for your needs through respectful and clear communication while taking into account the needs of the other person involved. Share your feelings with the person, calmly communicate your concerns and focus on the specific behaviour or situation that triggered your anger.

Physical exercise

Using physical activity as an outlet for anger helps release tension, and it’s just healthy for your emotions and body.

Journalling

Writing down your anger-related thoughts and emotions in a personal journal allows for self-reflection and a better understanding of the triggers and underlying emotions associated with your anger.

Maladaptive Anger Expression, 

the following maladaptive manifestations are highly likely to escalate conflicts, damage relationships, and impact your own emotional well-being:

• aggression,
• violence,
• verbal abuse,
• passive-aggressiveness,
• yelling and intimidation

Anger Management in Dubai: Conclusion

Anger does not belong to a specific diagnostic category in existing manuals, but it is often addressed alongside other mental health conditions or personality disorders. Relationships tend to be a significant factor in exacerbating anger issues, leading many individuals to seek professional help. While anger is a natural human emotion, it is essential to distinguish between adaptive and maladaptive expressions of anger. Constructive anger aims to solve underlying problems, while malevolent and selfish/fractious anger seeks revenge or personal satisfaction.

Recognising the distinction between adaptive and destructive anger is crucial in facilitating change. However, anger and aggression should not be confused, as anger is an emotion while aggression is a behaviour. With the guidance of a trained anger management therapist, you may acquire valuable anger management skills and learn to apply cognitive-behavioural therapy techniques. This enables you to regain control over your anger, identify triggers and vulnerabilities and cultivate healthier methods of expressing and managing anger.

The goal of anger management is not to eliminate anger but to master it. So, equipped with the insights and strategies mentioned above, let’s aim for a life where we manage our anger, not the other way around.

Are you struggling with controlling anger? Reach out to Diana Tutschek—an anger management therapist in Dubai Healthcare City (CHMC Clinic). Tel.: +971504328841 (WhatApp); email: d.tutschek@chmc-dubai.com 

More about Diana Tutschek, Psychologist in Dubai (DHCC)